Friday, April 29, 2005

it's all in my head

Why do we live up to the standards in our heads? In my life experience none of my expectations in my head have occurred. However, everything I look for in life and everything I experience I compare it against what I have imagined. Sort of on the other hand... Why do we settle for less than perfect? Is it because we don't think we will find what we want? Or maybe what we have is perfect, but we cannot recognize is because we are constantly comparing it to our dream. If we give up on our dreams and be happy with what we find is it better than if we hold our dreams stedfast and live never attaining what we want? So many question running through my head.

As I walked home, alone, all of things were making my mind swell with ideas and questions. I walked seven blocks out of my way just to be recognized. Holden Caulfield is so right. I know that 'The Catcher in the Rye' is the quintessential teenage novel, but I have shunned every other teenage cliche so I might as well give in this one time. I have never been enchanted with the teenage scene of feeling bad for yourself and wanting to be original and not wanting to be put into a category and all those things that make me cringe. (Note: I am enchanted with high school romance. Just so that I am not a hypocrite) So I am going to give into one. Like, OH MY GOD, I would totally marry Holden, he is sooo brooding, like, don't you think he is soooo cute? So why I brought up 'TCTR'.....

1. because the word 'hot' meant a lie, and now it means attractive. very strange change. E.G. "I just thanked her and told her I was going to South America with my grandmother. Which was a really hot one, because my grandmother hardly ever even goes out of the house, except maybe to go to a goddam matinee or something." (58)
2. I love the way he tries to get drunk at the hotel bar. (70)
3. How the club that my grandfather used to run is mentioned as being a really swank place to go. (73)

Now I'm getting off of why I brought this up. OK, I brought it up because there is this one time he mentions that is it so strange how you can feel so lonely in such a big town. (I know the acual line is different, but I lent my copy with all my notes in it to my friend and never got it back) By going out my way to get home I was hoping to meet my soulmate and live happily ever after. Hey, I am being honest. However, I only got the domino's delivery guy and older men on work breaks to notice me. Not exactly what I wanted. I want this spring to be what I imagined. Why am I holding onto this ideal when it won't happen? I felt very by myself walking home. Don't get me wrong, I am a loner, but when you feel you are going to hang out with mother because your friends are going out of town you feel kind of sad. Not emotionally sad, but almost, "That girl is hanging out with her mother on Friday night. That is really sad."

I'm going to Andover this weekend to visit my brother. Usually I would have visited a bunch of times by this time of the year, but for some reason I havent been up at all this year. I keep picturing him in his dorm from last year. I need to visit my puppy because he is... uh living in an all-boys dorm room and I'm single. No, no, I want to visit my brother, ha ha?

My lilacs are blooming. I want to go to the roof and fall asleep in the sun. Won't you join me? Ha, that is what Mister Rogers used to say. Don't you remember Mister Rogers? Come on, that guy who was always tying his shoes when he came on the TV?

You will never regret taking a picture,
the bad hat

Thursday, April 28, 2005

im so tired of days that feel like the night OR i've been feeling just fine

My dad was in the city for two nights. When he called to tell me when he was coming in he said, "I have these tickets for a concert. So, if you can finish your homework we can go." He actually didn't say that, but it is too complicated to explain. We went to see Katie Melua. She has, I think, a triple platinum record in the UK. She was incredible, like Norah Jones, but good and actually alive. I thought she would just be one of those Brit-Pop girls, but, my, was I wrong. She has very good lyrics that I am quite impressed with. I have to admit that it doesn't take much for me to show emotion, but her lyrics did some twangs on my conscious and feelings. I reccomend listening to her.

I did not feel like I was in school today. I just felt strangely disconnected from the day. As if I went through the motions, but inside I just couldn't get my brain to work. I did hear some wonderful gossip today and that made me feel really good. I feel very unhealthy right now. I want to make a smoothie. I also want to listen to some MC Solaar. I was looking for our newspaper as I came back from school, and I ran my hand across all of the newspapers. It was was a really neat feeling rustling all the newspapers with my hand.

Why do I use the word neat? Some say that I am an old lady. I think I am in some ways. I guess I just have been held up to weird standards by my parents. If they knew what stuff the kids my age do and how I could make their lives a living hell they would go into a state of shock. However, they won't ever know what kids my age do and I won't make their life a living hell. Today in english class we were talking about Wuthering Heights. We were talking about how Hareton burns Cathy's books. I turned around and I said to Doug, "Imagine how you would feel if someone took all of your favorite TV shows and put them in the fire." That doesn't really make any sense. It was a really old lady thing to say. People used to call me Martha Stewart. I didn't like that, but it was kind of funny. I can cook and clean, but does that really make me Martha Stewart? I saw her last time I was visiting my dad. She was buying dowels at this hardware store that Nick A.L. works at. I don't know why I remember that he works there and I haven't talked to him for two years. I don't know why I know what dowels are either.

My Favorite John Singer Sargent painting is 'In the Luxembourg Gardens",
the bad hat

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

can't you see that i'm lonely? rescue me

i just came from the farmer's market. i picked up two large bunches of lilacs for ten dollars. I chose the ones that haven't bloomed yet so i will be able to keep them for a while.

funny thing... i went to the virgin megastore to get the royal tenenbaum dvd and it wasn't there. obviously this dvd is something i want; therefore, i will try to get it again. But when you get something you want in life and it turns out it wasn't what you wanted exactly, but it was all that you had, why do you still want it after it is over?

In high school, everything is about you. I know almost everything I do is to benefit me. If I do something nice, it is to show others that I am a nice person, making myself feel better. When two people are together, how does this work? A lot of times in high school you like someone because they like you, but when you start to really admire the person it turns into a whole different story. It isn't about you anymore. You'll do anything for that person because you realize how much you unselfishly ackowledge how wonderful they are. If you are used to your whole life being about you and all of a sudden there is someone else to consider, what happens? How does anyone adapt so easily to meeting standards of showing that person how you care about them? What if you mess up? Does anyone get another try? I have had enough of loving someone for who they are and not being loved in return. To selfishly say this, I want someone to love me for once. I want too many things....

Ari was just here. He loves Jane. I love trigonometry. Trigonomety, however, does not love me back. I did not have a good day. I got one bad grade. I don't brag or show other people my grades. Somehow, most everyone seems to know what I get on pretty much everything. I tried to discuss this bad grade with a friend of mine. Then someone turned around and said, "OH YOU GOT A BAD GRADE, WHAT WAS IT?" And I replied, "Are you just asking so..." and She says, "Yea I am, but I won't judge." Right then class started. It pained me that this person would take pride in my shortcoming. I had a strong desire just then to leave school and go home and feel bad for myself. Then I realized what if I was a political figure. Everyone takes pride in the failures of political figures. So I sucked it up and did the titration lab (which I mainly did by myself because my groups members are much better in subjects other than chem).

It looks as if it is about to thunder storm. yes, there was the first clap.

it's so cold in alaska,
the bad hat

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

must i really?

To reiterate what i said before in my post "the hours we are separate" I AM A LOSER BITCH! If it isn't obvious, someone PLEASE POINT IT OUT AGAIN! I will leave those comments that are not nice up for all to see. I have always been a loser. Ever since pre-school, and I like it that way. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum and will continue to do so.

Have an enchanting evening,
the bad hat

late edition: i knew my good mood would annoy someone

RIP Satan

My third fish died... Sometime last week. Ooops. Not like you want to know, but I feel in memory of Satan I should give a brief history of my fish. When I moved here, I knew no one, and I had almost two months of summer to myself. I was used to having a dog, but we put him to sleep because he was mean and a grumpy old fart. I wanted some companionship and I decided I wanted some fish. Damn, my fish were cool. The first two I bought were Leyster and Satan. Leyster because it is a damn fine name, and Satan because I was thinking of my friend Jake at the time. (Jake likes Satan) After a while it became very apparent that Leyster and Satan were gay. I had a Japanese plastic robot in my fish tank and they always liked to hang out in the robot's crotch. They also kissed each other and played games with each other. I declared that they were gay life partners. There games were amusing to watch, but after a while it seemed that leyster was becoming weak. I cleaned their tank and Leyster seemed comatose and one fin wasn't working. I had to flush him; it was a sad day. However, the next day I went to Petco on 17th and bought two new fish. They were dubbed That and It. I kind of forgot about my fish then because I started school and uh, started talking to people and wasn't amused by fish swimming anymore. Then I found that It died. He was stuck to the thing that takes the water to be filtered. Last night when I was off to bed, I realized Satan had passed as well, but this time in his own little corner. So only That is left. All by his lonesome. No one to play games with.

I am in an annoyingly good mood today. I don't want to shout about it because I fear that I might hurt someone's feelings. But none the less I am incredibly happy. I suddenly just came out of my slump and am ready to, uh not to sound like commercial but, face the day?

VV helped me with my blog today. I am very grateful once again. Then VV, Oona, and I went to the courtyard and chatted it up. It was nice in the sun, but the black ground was not nice to my white pants. Creative Writing class was cancelled, except Hally and I did not know. We walked into the room and there were a ton of eigth grade boys. THEY were startilingly mean to us. Really, not to sound like an old lady who wears the same trench coat for 40 years, but learn some respect sonny. The saddest part of the day is that Jane left second period. Not fun at all!

I cannot wait for next year. Literally I am just thinking, "OK I'm done with this year, ready to move on already!" Some call it spring fever; I call it having all I wanted to accomplish done already.

Are you a romantic or a classic,
the bad hat

Monday, April 25, 2005

let's see if you can catch the strange analogy today

what sucks even more than doing work on your day off...
not being able to see your friends

i was wasting time on myspace when i happened upon some of my former classmate's myspace profiles. it reminds me how much i really dont miss that whole scene. I miss KMJ, KMH, TR, RK (who now has a blog, wow, from the city to the suburbs), and a few others. The looks I get when I visit JJ are funny. Usually it is a look of, "wait i know that chick, but i'm too stoned to remember" or "hey, it's that girl, yea molly, i dont think i talk to her, but ill just avoid confrontation, seeing as she probably doesn't remember my name." The plain truth is that I won't remember their name because they are stuck in a seventh grade mindset and won't evolve. Wow, I am probably sounding extremely mean, but that goes to show how much my eigth grade year was like a toilet bowl. If I say anything else I might get in trouble. I do miss my few jjsters tres much. I wish that I could take them with me, but that would be selfish. (late edition: I would write about sls, but i have no greivances as of the moment)

Oh, the new word out there is supposedly slor. A cross between a slut and a whore. An example would be, "UGH! Like, Amanda, I can't beleive Chrissie just hooked up with Tony, I TOTALLY called him, she is such a slor!" The word in the city is mad. An example for you is, "Yo, G that beat is mad fresh. If we recorded it on Garageband that would be mad chill." I don't know where these words come from, but that is teenage society for you.

I should start some work, possibly get out of my pajamas, eat breakfast, take a shower and get off this computer. But who wants to do that, not I!

Please keep peanuts away from those with peanut allergies,
the bad hat

Sunday, April 24, 2005

ok im going to stop, once and for all

REALLY! I am going to try to cut them all out. The references I mean. That will be that last reference I make. The following will not be in relation to anyone. It will just be a general musing of occurances as of late and throughout my life.

As few of you know there is no norm and everyone lives a different and interesing life. That is an excuse for what I am about to say. I had a nanny for pretty much all of my life. I can't name all of them anymore. Each of them has influenced me in different ways. They have implemented something in me that has put an unbalance in me. This unbalance actually might be my balance in life. I would have a nanny for a year or two and they would leave and do something with their life. I only realized I loved them when the threat of them leaving me approached. I had one nanny in particular, I will call her... Faith. Faith had been with me since second grade. She left twice. Once because her father died and the other because her mother needed assistance. She left when I moved here. I had a nanny because my mother essentially worked in Chicago and my father worked at home and could not be disturbed. Faith was my mother, in plain truth. She left me and I left her. I wrote her letters, but I never got any back. I called, but she never called back. Imagine your mother leaving you.

Ever since she left I have thought about how much I love her. I do say mean things about her, but that is because we had a strange relationship. She was my slavedriver for work, my best-friend, my discipline, and my mother. This has left me wondering.... Why do I associate love with the threat of someone leaving me? Why do I only then think about how much they mean to me. Some people become an essential part of your life. I come up with strange analogies and here is one. It is like getting used to wearing underwear. One day someone takes your underwear away and you think what the fuck, THAT WAS MY UNDERWEAR! That was extremely random. With people I have routines and when you cut out that magnetic connection you feel strangely out of line without them.

The only option you have left is to form new habits and routines. I talked about this with Morgy. She had a problem with someone who I entered in my cell as Pill by accident. That name is not far from the truth along the lines of what he has done to my morgy. She was great about it. I also talked about it with Jane. She was incredible about it. She had some incredible insight on the topic. She read this book about a heroin addict and there were some medical facts in it. Supposedly the book says that your perception of the world, for the rest of your life, occurs between when you are born and when you are two. But who knows what is right and what is totally made up.

I also had a conversation with Hally and Jane about this supposed blog war. (this is another strange analogy) What I'm trying to explain is.... Saaaaay you don't like watching fat people have sex. Why watch them have sex and complain about it? You could just return the movie or leave the movie theatre and take a stroll in the park.

I walked down
the same street
not judging myself
without you
the white petals that
fell on the sidewalk
had been so white before
in the sunlight
they are trampled
brown with the cloud filled sky

i am exhausted with reflecting and thinking and sitting here and listening to them talk.

don't tie people's shoe laces together,
the bad hat

the hours we are separate

i'm such a hopeless romantic, but then again, what girl isnt? someone posted a comment saying, "no one cares you annoying bitch." i think they touched upon something great and truly essential to the blogging experience. Yes, no one cares! I realize that fact. They think I am an annoying bitch. Well, yes, I am. Thanks for reminding me. They might think my annoyingness comes from me being vain by writing about myself and my life. In some strain it is vain, but I don't really pay any mind to it. I like writing down what I observe and think over. AND, if that person thinks that no one cares and that i am an annoying bitch, then they should stop reading blogs. Why would anyone be so moschistic? I would not.

My friend Maxene (from Vail, originally Kentucky, and goes to boarding school) is visiting. She is so much fun. I haven't seen her since my bat mitzvah. We were supposed to see "All Shook Up", but ticket master got our dates wrong. (I think my mother selected the wrong month, but she would never be one to realize her faults) So instead, our mothers went to the Gansevoort and we went out with Willy D. I am such a light weight, it is incredibly amusing. I feel bad not celebrating passover this year, but so much has changed this year I have to go with the flow. We are making summer plans. Ranging from Barcelona, returning to my summer lover (Katama), learning Latin at Andover, playing squash at Princeton, and hopefully getting a job. Jane is going to work at Magnolia Bakery. I wanted to work at her mother's store, but it is closing. Hally is taking a writing course at Columbia.

getting out of here,
the bad hat

Thursday, April 21, 2005

she's not interested in her best interests

quote from conversation with paula. I am taking the day off because my brain seems to be out of order. I haven't missed a day of school (besides visiting schools) since fourth grade. I am doing a ton of work today. It's quite official the Oona is the only one who comments on my blog. True, my blog has been not particularly interesting as of late, but you could at least humor me. A.K.A. glue your lazy bum to that chair and post a comment. If you read and don't comment I may just have to insert a sad face. ☹

not officially insane yet,
the bad hat

Monday, April 18, 2005

alive and blogging

slip inside the eye of your mind
don't you know you might find
a better place to play
you said that you'd never been
but all the things that you've seen
are gonna fade away
so i start a revolution from my bed
cos you said the brains i had went to my head
step outside the summertimes in bloom
stand up beside the fireplace
take that look from off your face
cos you aint ever gonna burn my heart out

to make a reference to freaky friday (hey, you know you all watched it, so dont judge with disdain), people dont write when something is going on. Otherwise, why would they be writing. That pretty much explains the no post heir. Saturday night was incredible. All I can say is that Andover kids know how to do it up right. Sooo crazyright. Sunday we celebrated my brother's eighteenth. I made him the coolest present that will ever exist, and it took me five hours to put it all together. I went all the way to Scoop in the meatpacking district to get this hilarious paisley shirt that i made my brother try on to look flamboyant. I thought it would be a funny present. When I finally got there I realized what I should make him. So I walked from the meatpacking district to MacDougal. I made him a shirt that says Gallatin 2009. They didn't have a purple shirt at the shirt making store, so I went to american apparel and bought one. So from MacDougal to 6th and I think 8th. Then back to the shirt place and the guy made the shirt in about 5 minutes. I suggest making shirts there. Especially funny shirts. Then we had champagne and a lovely dinner to celebrate the eighteenth year of my brother's existence. I took them on a walk to the Christopher street pier. When I got back I realized Simone had called a week ago and I missed his call. So I left him a message and he called me back while I was asleep. They repaved my street last night, and it took me an hour to fall asleep.

Today started out so well! I got up with such a happy demeanor and played some coldplay. My brother walked me to school, but we met Hally in her car along the way. Thanks again for the ride Hal! "Parting is such sweet sorrow" (Shakespeare's R and J) I said goodbye to the pupster and started this fateful day. First off I would like to thank Jane. An incredible friend who chose the nicest and smartest option possible. Thanks Jane! Hally and Tuna deserve a lot of r.e.s.p.e.c.t. for putting up with me and being incredibly supportive. I am one crazy girl. You were right; I am crazy. I should get to it already.

Nasty Nasty Box and The Pictures Are Safe With Me,
the bad hat

Saturday, April 16, 2005

try to find a way to, but there's nothing i can say to

FINALLY CLEAN! I am extremely pleased that only 12 people saw me having not showered for three days. Now, I am clean, clean, clean. ExEd was an experience; as it is intended to be. I had a lot of fun. People who have not had a good time before probably were not with a great group. It was a great bonding experience and I'm glad I got to understand some people better. We had some very chill conversations in the changing room. Kyaking, the main reason of the trip, was nice. The first time on the water we paddled around and learned how to move basically. Then we broke for lunch, and I had a two hour nap in the sun and some people joined in (hence the burn). We went back and paddled up the creek, under a tree, and against a little current. Then we had dinner, watched the Incredibles, had hot cocoa, and went to sleep. I slept incredibly sound, but in the morning my back hurt. We had a big trip up the hudson ahead of us. We were told we would be with the current both ways. NOT SO! Against the current both ways with wind. The last leg of the trip I was a little hazy and some what out of it. I did this thing I called fury paddling. I would trip out for a while and think about some stuff; then, I would get mad about the stuff and paddle really hard and pass three people. Then I would trip out again and fall behind They could have told me I was paddling for five hours and I wouldn't have thought they were lying. Very exhaustive. There was this one point when we had a big gust of wind and we all almost crashed into the rocks, but I had fun with that. I had a great time with the people and especially hanging around was really a highlight. The stars were amazing the last night.

We stopped at a waterfall that reminded me of the waterfall I used to have behind my house. I will still call it my house even though someone else lives there. I thought a lot of when KMH and I were little and we hung out all the time. We used to take little hikes down to the resevoir. There was this one time we found a turtle in KMH's driveway and then we took it to be released on the stream before the waterfall. I wrote a story in french about that experience. I miss the good old days with KMH.

Walking back home I was literally ashamed of how shitty I looked. I played my "Feelin' Good" music playlist and got clean. I'm kind of sad it is over because I'm not looking forward to more school work. My brother is home. He is turning eighteen. Still need to buy him a present.... I wish I was sailing right now. Why was that beautiful weather wasted on kyaking when we could have been sailing? I have been told that I am a good sailor naturally, but I know I am not very skilled and a little out of practice. I love sailing. I also love food; I will go eat some now.

You Will Always Have My Heart,
Smallie aka the bad hat

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Trigonometry- My Everlasting Love

❥welcome my dearests. Ari has just left. We did so much trigonometry. I learned things that I won't even need for two years. I cannot even begin to commence on how much I love unit circles, so I will not. Sounds nerdy; well, it is.

Wednesday is my sworn enemy. I do not have a free until half-way through sixth, aka my stomach making noises it is so hungry. I also took this test in English. Here is a list of greivances against this underhanded test

a. She did not announce it as a test and slying hid it in the middle of her "I'm special" heading
b. She did not say that we could not bring notes to class
c. She did not say that we couldn't use bullets
d. She blamed people for not reading the directions, when there were none
e. We were told about this test a day in advance, without knowledge of it being a test
f. I could not finish the test in time, therefor I was still in the comp. lab ten minutes into fourth when I was supposed to be at the 5th floor of the annex, when i asked for a pass she said that it was my choice to be late for class
g. I could not finish my most important point

that is enough of that.

We are having our shower fixed and there was a dashing Slavic man working on the light bulbs. Cliffy and Carolyn called this afternoon. It was the most pleasant suprise! I loved hearing from them. I need to hang out with them VERY soon. I got into the Summer Program that I wanted. Photography, Latin, and Squash... nothing could be better.

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. EVERYONE MUST SUPPORT OHAL'S BAND! LATE FEE! they are playing at the knitting factory May 1st

ExEd. Must Pack. Won't Post For A While.

Don't Worry I'm Using Wicking Layers,
the bad hat

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

®ainy ©louds ☁ have ✈Leaving ☀

I Am Eating Tortilla Strips. NO, NO! they are not chips; they are strips.

Spring is in the air (another cliche). A slacker mode has somehow kicked in within me. After a lifetime of having a nanny telling you what to do, it makes sense that I should go somewhat crazy. Crazy, sadly, for me is not doing the homework the night it was assigned and maybe watching tv to take a break. Crazy, I know! It is strange to have gone from having a companion who dictated your life (making doctors appointments, filling in forms, driving everywhere, keeping track of your schedule) to being quite alone. At first you like the freedom, then it gets kind of lonely. At that point you start talking to the fridge and such.

VV showed me how to add friends on friendster! I am tres excited. Thanks VV! On a similar note of acknowledgement of people. It was my friend Ohal's birthday yesterday. Happy birthday Ohal.

I tapped into something today in meeting. Usually I don't think about anything, but today was different. I started thinking about physical and emotional pain. People can identify with both when you tell them a story. However people cannot conjure up physical pain without hurting themselves, but they can identify with a story and they will make a cringing face to show that they have felt the same. With emotional pain it stays with you. It can appear instantly, say if you smell something or hear a song. It can damage a person. When people hear a story about how someone was emotionally hurt you have outward sympathy, but most people think, "Just get over it already." You can see a scar from an injury, but no one can see how an emotional injury affects people. I am starting to forget about what other conclusions I came to.

Don't Make Play Dough for 3 Year Olds,
The Bad Hat

Monday, April 11, 2005

within ourselves we have the seeds of our own destruction

creepy, eh? someone said it in english class. i had three tests today and only four classes. i could have slept in this morning, but instead i woke up at the regular time and studied. when i woke up, i realized that the clocks in my house are messed. doug once said he was making a website about everyone and something along the lines about what he thinks of them. he said that i had slept with all of the teachers or something. that is impossible and illegal, but a rather amusing take on me. sometimes i think i give people bad looks and i do not intend to. so if i ever give you a nasty look, i do not intend to. i am probably thinking about falling down a flight of stairs or something and it just shows on my face how much i don't want that to happen to me. come to think of it, i wouldn't fall down a flight of stairs, i usually trip up them. a humiliating fact. i have to babysit now. we have a bowl of lollypops in my house and when she came over she immeadiately became fixated on them. she tried to pull one over on me and i could blatantly see it on her face. she was probably thinking "i'm going to get by on this one, but i will try to act all innocent to convince her." it was hard to keep from laughing when she asked to take them home because she has no lollypops at her house. wow, i'm talking about a three year old, can you get any lower than that? tune in next time to see what new low i can reach.

hope you feel better soon,
the bad hat

Sunday, April 10, 2005

You never know until you find out (unless you are a psychic)

Yesterday I went out at 3 to take a walk. I'm not really sure where I went, but it was gourgeous there. Actually I know I went down university then cut through the park. There were these kids in the park who were most def tripping on something and dancing around. Then I went down MacDougal and then i have no clue where i went. But I know I ended up on this pier. At first I saw some people on the river. I thought, that isn't possible. Then I saw the pier. It is at the end of christopher. I can't describe how much i loved that place. I was one of the 10 straight people on the peir, but I kind of liked that. They were all these guys and they were so happy. Really happy with themselves and their boyfriends (and not afraid to show it). I read out on the peir for a while. This book called "Nine Stories" by J.D. Salinger. I can't place why I love the book so much, but I reccomend reading it. Especially the story "Down at the Dinghy"; it is my favorite. Sitting in the sun with the wind, getting used to being alone again.

I had the most amazing dreams last night. They were probably about what I have been wishing to happen lately...

trying to be happy in other's happiness...
the bad hat

Saturday, April 09, 2005

there must be cloudy days to appreciate the sunny ones

a few things i secretly love
1. going to an old lady event and realizing what the coke snorting "almost-had-sex-with-that-guy" girls are missing
2. wearing old polo shirts to sleep
3. waking around the upper east and west sides to realize how happy i am to live downtown

i am waiting for the furniture delivery man to come and i have time to kill and homework to ignore; therefore, i will recap the past few days. in a kind of memoir style because in creative writing we talked about memoirs with ms. zamos. she is very hipster, in her own way.

After catching the 4 express to 86th street, crying my eyes out, and slipping on the dress I wore to the academic banquet, I was on my way to the Met. My mother insisted I wear her new coat which I love. It was so warm out and the coat was too much. I was walking across 85th in my little black dress and those heels that look like they are from the 20s. The weather was evidently the moment before the storm. That kind of air that is like a warm blanket, and you can feel the electricity in the air. The drops that had materialized on my face earlier, were about to fall from the sky. A little bit behind schedule boys. I walked diagnally up the steps of the Met watching the last rays of daylight touch downtown. We met Kip and Joan in the lobby and started to cry again. I quickly stopped to save face. The show was amazing. I cannot beleive how much work that man put out and how many different phases he went through. I came to the conclusion that if Ernst could survive a menage a trois, two world wars, and four wives, I could get through this. My mother had a yen for chinese food so we went to 3rd ave. She pointed out where her old boyfriends lived. The first few drops fell. Releif. Finally able to let go. Let it all go and ate cold sesame noodles I had been lusting after for weeks. Realizing it was almost 10:30 we caught a cab home. I talked to my friends for two hours. I was very happy about that.
I went to the upper west last night. It is not my favorite place to go. All of these old ladies were there with their similarly old lady friends. We saw a play about an old lady with old ladies sitting next to us. What happened to my social life? While waiting for the play to start, I was very bitter. I thought I was mad because my mother dragged me up here, but that wasn't the case. I had agreed to go there, and I was mad for another reason. Still not sure what it is. There was this particularly old lady sitting next to me. There was a famous opera song playing in the background. She was singing along with precision and clarity that I feel I will never hear again. HA! Got your hopes up. No happy ending here. She had a horrible voice and was singing off-key. The play was good and I was really in the mood for it (even thought I didn't know it).
Enough about that. I think I will dye my hair soon. I need to acknowledge some facts and stop hoping for something that won't happen.

"We don't always want what is right"
_the shins

from your ever loving,
the bad hat

Friday, April 08, 2005

she still breathes

i realized the metal i was made of. when you think you are so strong, to break is very shocking. my first weekend in about four months where i dont have plans, my girls go to their country houses. very disappointing to the max. so my mother and i embark on a single's friday night. OLD LADY ALERT!!! be thankful you have your own life...

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

the brink of the brink

why, yes, if you were wondering, i am still sitting at home! jane says that blogs are for opinions and livejournals are for self-absorbed people admitting that they are self-absorbed. to make this blog justified, here are some of my opinions. i like simple poetry that is complicated. i dont like is when young people have strong opinions because i feel that they truly have not had enough life experience to really know what they are talking about. yet, i also feel that these people are courageous in sharing their beleifs. (a sort of catch 22) actually, to explain myself, i don't like it when young people are very forward with their opinions. it might be better if they sat tight and listened for a while before they said anything. i think chocolate is should be everyone's best friend; morgan would agree with me on that. people should learn how to cook at least two things so that they can either cook for themselves once in a while or impress someone. speaking of impressing people, i am a firm beleiver in being yourself. it would be quite backwards to try to get someone to like you by acting not like yourself because if that person turns out to like what you are acting like they will never like you for your ture self. i'm sure that a lot of people have heard this from me, but that is because i beleive in it firmly. so those are some of my opinions. everyone in a while i might put some more opinions to make this blog legit.

sex, drugs, and rock and roll
the bad hat

look what we have here

seeing as i am so exceptionally cool, i am home... by myself. wednesdays are not my cup of tea; cliches are not my cup of tea either. my problem is that i use them far too often in my writing. i dont recognize them though. once i wrote an incredibly atrotious poem to get a good grade because i knew if i wrote anything that i would like she would hate it, but if i wrote something that i knew was quite horrid she would like it. we had to have partners, and max was mine. he had to critique my poem. diane wanted us to get rid of all cliches in our work. max said that the whole entire idea of my poem was a cliche. (he also called the persona the personification the whole time he was talking with me, but i did not have the heart to tell him) that is my bit on cliches. yesterday in ex-ed we had to go around in a circle and say our name, our favorite vegetable, and our favorite tv show. very reminiscent of my elementary school days. the general consensus on vegetables was brocolli (a favorite of mine from days of yore). when it came my turn i quickly said i liked french beans and sex and the city. this caused everyone to laugh, as well as my extreme tendency to become embarassed to ignite. i still dont really understand what was so funny. later in the class we had to read a paragraph of something and call someones name to read the next paragraph. i read my paragraph and said chris. however there is no one in the class named chris. it is not my fault if i dont know people's names because they havent introduced themselves. His name is andrew and i am very sorry for calling him chris. obviously i am not good with names. i really should keep up with my friends from john jay and st. luke's more. i feel very terrible for not doing so. perhaps i will call someone this evening and yet again i probably will not. i just washed out a dasani water bottle that i have had since the first monday of spring break. i washed it out with soap.... oh my this is boring, i should go do some work now

movie on my mind- Bon Voyage
song stuck in my head- song to sing when i'm lonely, john frusciante

Saturday, April 02, 2005

waiting on tivo

i have been waiting for tivo help for officially 38 minutes. i figured that since i am lying in bed with the computer i might as well go onto friendster. ohhh i cannot begin to explain the ways in which friendster amuses me. i have an account, but have not figured out how to add friends. i have become a friendster ghost; looking at other's profiles, but never leaving a mark. then i came upon an acquaintance's blog spot. credit to oona. inspired me to start a blog. HALLELUJAH! finally tivo has answered my prayers. Chaaaad, a man with a mid-western accent has cheerfully accepted the challenge of assisting me. i am a needy person. jane says that i am not. oh my chad must not have read the previous referal from darlene...